The Avatar Hunter
by Giraffadon
Summary: Dying too young and the spirits taking pity on her for not fulfilling her duty, she is reborn into a world that needs her. She will learn about herself and her own individuality while fulfilling roles to seal her new siblings wounds.
1. Prologue: Betrayal And Rebirth

**A/N quick note before you read. This will be third person.**

**I don't own HxH, it belongs to Togashi.**

**I don't own A:TLA or LOK they belong to Michael and Bryan**

_Thoughts._

"Speech."

"_**Spirit Talking.**_"

"Another Language"

* * *

After Korra died, her legend ended and a new Avatar was born to rise up. Repeating the cycle as always, from fire to air to water… Then finally, earth.

* * *

As expected the next Avatar was born in the Earth Kingdom, alongside her twin brother, Yalou, who sadly didn't get Raava's power. He thought that she stole it from him and grew to hate her. It seemed he was easily overcome with jealousy and hatred for those who had things he didn't.

He was stricken with grief that everyone always payed attention to her for being something he could never hope to be, because she took what was rightfully his, she took his future.  
So he was going to take hers.

An eye for an eye as they always said.

He never conveyed his feelings, so nobody knew how he felt.

_Unwanted._

If he told someone, maybe, just maybe, this tragedy could have been avoided. It's always better telling someone and letting it out. If hatred didn't cloud his mind and made his sight hazy, he could've had a clear view to see he was destined for something else.

* * *

His sister was only thirteen when it happened. She was bending earth with fire, the only two elements that she 'mastered'. She had yet to perform any lightening, lava, or metalbending. Those elements matched her personality best.

She was trying to come up with a new technique, this was how the new Avatar adapted to not being able to do what she should.

Perhaps it was because her personality resembled those elements the most. She couldn't bend water and air no matter how hard she tried. She only read about waterbending and airbending from the scrolls and books. She even went to read stories about the past Avatar's, trying to gain a clue.

It was clear she had to go on a life changing journey of some sort, since all the Avatars had that in common. But her parents didn't let her out much. She wanted a taste of adventure.

After getting mentors to train her they would give up and she would just gaze into the water then up at the sky, seeming like she was asking '_Why?_'

Why couldn't she do it? Nobody knew why.

But because of this reason of having too many weaknesses and held importance to the world as the embodiment of peace, the parents had assigned her guards.

The guards slacked off most of the time, not deserving of their position.

She always spent most of her time reading, especially travel books she had a strong thirst for knowledge.

When she learned she was the Avatar, she would study about them. Thinking that they really were her. Her past selves.

Everyone made the Avatar sound like such a powerful, strong person, but not really willing to kill others.

She soon started to believe that as well. She lost her individuality, lost in her own delusion.  
She was just a little girl that could easily kill an animal if needed to, but was scared of wasps an bees. She was brash and independent, but easily lost in fights from getting distracted or feeling pressured. She was weak looking for an earthbender. The Earth Kingdom people were known for muscle and being big boned. Here she was, looking skinny and pale.

_Weak._

She had an image to uphold, a mask to wear at all times. She knew in the back of her mind she was breaking down. People overwhelmed her and expected her to do so many impossible things. Sometimes she felt like cracking. They had such high expectations for her. But she was just an ordinary girl. She still wanted to reach those expectations, didn't want to let anybody down.

She didn't socialize much, it took a lot of her energy out of her.

That mask she always wore became apart of her, she lost her true self.

Meditation never worked, it seemed something was binding her, holding her back. She couldn't connect with her spiritual self.

If only back then if she knew the cause she could have saved herself.

The brother was always cheerful and celebrating on the inside, feigning being sad about what she couldn't accomplish.

* * *

He finally let jealousy and rage overtake his whole being on the night that it happened. He took their dad's kantana from the wall and snuck up on her when she was too focused on her bending, the perfect chance to strike.

The sword reflected the moon's light and he could still recall when she turned around, her black hair whipped against her face and light green eyes widening in shock. Her reaction was too slow and he cleaned her head right off, the last word she uttered in a shocked hushed whisper was his name.

"Yalou-!"

And thus the cycle repeated again. But the fire nation baby was born with only half of Raava and her power. Where did the rest of Raava go..?

That was the end of Kuan's old life. And the beginning of her new one.

* * *

The female squinted as light surrounded her. Was this… The after life?

She snapped back to her senses when she heard an ethereal voice calling her.

"**_Kuan._**" Blue and white wisps blocked her sight.

"R-Raava..?"

It was odd, and shocking to say the least. She had been trying for years to get in contact with any spirits and now, here was the almighty one presenting itself before her. But it was also pleasant to see something she knew.

Death was cold but this spirit brought her great warmth. She was scared after what just occurred, but this spirit made her feel calm.

"**_B__ecause you could not accomplish your duties as an Avatar, your spirit will be sent somewhere else. Where, I believe, you will be needed most. Where, you can be yourself and not uphold the title Avatar. I am not you. It will take a while to adjust to their ways and language._**"

_Language? Their ways? Not me? But aren't we one?_

The peace spirit's voice was getting slightly distorted in her last sentence, but the girl hung onto every word Raava said. Knowing every detail was important.

"T**_here…much ti…left. Don't ..h..d ..b..ck. I…with..ou_**"  
And everything faded to black.

_Did she mean hold back? I can be myself? Myself? Wasn't I always myself? Before the Avatar? Old Kuan? Me? Who am I?_

But…  
This question concerned her the most.

_Who will be my family?_

* * *

**A/N: That's the ending of this Chapter. I promise the next one will be longer and will definitely include her new life. This more of a prologue and what her earlier life was like before she goes to the next world. All sorts of reviews are welcome. This is my first serious fanfic. It's going to be more centered around the HxH world that ATLA AND LOK, so I will not put this as a crossover really.**


	2. Chapter 1: Adapting And Coping

**A/N: Thank you for the review and follows, it really keeps me motivated. I planned this at the start of August and have been procrastinating until I finally wrote and posted this.**

* * *

_New Moon: New beginnings, a fresh start, rebirth._

* * *

A woman in her nightgown in one of the many medical rooms in the mansion was screaming in pain while maids hustled and bustled while comforting her, getting towels and warm water, And getting ready to get the baby once it comes out.

There were butlers guarding the outside of the door, high on alert in case anything went wrong in the room.

* * *

A boy, no older than nine was holding tightly to a bandaged four-year old. The latter was crying in worry of his mama in pain. With the older brother shushing him.

"Shut up Milluki."

He should put Milluki through more torture for being this weak. He was emotionally weak, but he would fix that.

"It's normal for mothers to scream while giving birth."

Milluki would surely dislike her at first for putting his Mama through so much pain.

* * *

Zeno was too busy, he was currently playing chess with his son, Silva.  
Growling at the move Silva did, put him in a tight spot so he moved and took out the rook after some thought.

* * *

Maha had an assassination to do at the moment and the grandmother was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Darkness.  
Darkness, it was all around her. It engulfed her entire being until she felt the thing around her stretch in sticky warmth and pulsate. Convulsing with life.  
The scent of blood was heavy around her. Making the delivery easy with all the blood acting as a lubricant. Light consumed the dark until it was the only thing there for her to see. Soon the cold stuck to her wet body. She was freezing.

She heard cries ringing out.  
_Who?_  
A woman's and a… child's?

Did it belong to her? There were multiple voices around her that she couldn't recognize or understand. There was too much going on.

There were blurry figures and light above her, she felt something lift her up. It was uncomfortable against her delicate skin. Being scared in an unfamiliar place, not sure of her surroundings and being jostled into multiple arms caused Kuan to cry out even more and louder too. She didn't like this at all.

_There's too much noise… Shut up. Shut up. Go away, leave me alone.._

She was placed in a soft blanket, this comforted her and her frantic thoughts. Ceasing her crying she snuggled in deeper, enjoying the warmth of the blanket. At least this is comforting.

Kuan was then carried over to a figure on a… _bed?_ It was too hard to make out, she had undeveloped eyes from being born too early, everything looked like a blob to her.

She read in pregnancy books that the baby was supposed to be in the womb for ten months, but a woman could only hold it in for nine. Hopefully after a few weeks her senses will become acute.

The woman cried out in what Kuan assumed to be a demanding tone stretching out her arms towards her.

Once finally placed in her new mother's arms which held her close to herself for body heat. She squinted at the one blurry beeping light above her. Curious to what it was, she tried wriggling her short stumpy arms up out of the blanket towards it. Giggling at this, the mother stroked her head in a comforting manner and said a few words that Kuan could make out.

"Killuki. Killuki Zoldyck."

What does that mean?

* * *

Kikyo was ecstatic to finally have a daughter, who she could finally dress up in such cute looking clothes. Maybe even in her own hand-me-downs.

_Ah, yes she'd look so cute in kimonos and Victorian styled clothes._

But she was still being wiped clean and passed around the maids who made her daughter cry.

_These maids can't do anything right._  
_I'll deal with them later._

"Bring me my daughter! I want to see her adorable little face, I demand to see her!"  
The last maid quickly shuffled the baby in a blanket and passed her to Kikyo who was thrashing her arms around her in a flurry.

"Zoldyck-sama."  
Immediately Kikyo stopped and stretched her arms out towards the girl. Cradling the newborn in her arms she whispered soft words to the newest addition in the family who reached up at her.

"Killuki. Killuki Zoldyck."

_Well.. She has my hair and a face like mine when I was a baby, maybe slightly rounder. Beautiful light green eyes. She'll be a beauty when she grows up._

Kikyo was delighted that her daughter was taking after her already. But she suspected that there was a meaning to her daughter being born under the new moon.

* * *

From what she could tell it seemed one week has passed since birth, she found out that her name was Killuki Zoldyck and learned her parents were named Silva and Kikyo. Just from hearing those words repeated around them every time she was in their presence.  
Silva appeared as a blue and white blob in her sight while Kikyo was a purple and yellowish one.

Every time she visited her new father while being held in someone's arms the dog-like creatures would calm down and stare at the child, curiously, while she would just gargle nonsense that babies would.

It was strange indeed.

Slowly her senses were becoming better, it currently seemed like she was near-sighted for now.

Today Kikyo dressed her up in what appeared to be a pink onesie.  
Well at least she could guess what her Mother liked in terms of fashion. And prepare for what she dresses her up with in the future.

But from what she could tell by the older woman's movements when she tried to breast feed her is when she hesitated to suckle, even when she seemed extremely hungry.  
Kikyo was mystified by this behaviour. It definitely wasn't normal for a baby. So then they decided to bottle feed her. Which Kuan liked more.

She was sometimes held by a short old man.

_I think his name was Zeno._

He would always sit down with her in his lap and tell her stories, which helped her understand the language bit by bit. She liked those story sessions, just listening to his voice was nice compared being in a cradle surrounded by silence.  
It also helped her learn more about the world.

But Kikyo would always get after him with anger in her voice, Kuan didn't understand why though.

Another old man once visited her when she was alone in the cradle. He peered in and spoke a few words to her.  
At the end of his little talk he made a funny face at her that made her more scared than anything. He left laughing quietly to himself.

She never did get his name.

* * *

She did catch rare chances to spend time with a boy named Illumi who always peered at her with large black irises and shiny black hair. Was he her brother?

He always seemed busy with something. Since he hardly spent time with her, he intrigued Killuki. Plus, being in his arms put her at ease and made her feel comfortable for some reason. Well he did have nice lean muscular arms. She wanted to be with him more.

She remembered the one time he introduced her to their shut-in brother.

* * *

Illumi opened the door to a room filled with what seemed to be electronics and figurines, there was a large flat screen which illuminated a toddler before it. She felt Illumi move one arm from under her, which scared her because she thought he would drop her.

He felt her unease and held her closer to his chest with his left arm and pointed to the figure who now swiveled around in his chair.  
Following his line of sight, the other siblings' face was visible and Illumi said one word.  
"Milluki."

As if thinking that babies were smart enough to understand that he was telling her their sibling's name. Of course she was an exception with the mind of a thirteen year old.

He promptly walked over to 'Milluki' and showed Kuan to him. They exchanged a few words which she couldn't understand.

"Milluki say hello to our cute new little sister."  
He said cheerily but without any emotions showing on his face. Typical of the eccentric boy.  
He lowered his arms so he could see her.  
Still not used to Illumi and his odd ways he stuttered out a hello while he peered at their new sibling and recognized that she looked a little like Mama. Which earned her a few good points in his mental book.

"Her name's Killuki, doesn't it suit her?" Illumi liked the newest addition because she always seemed so happy and inquisitive with him. Which would make it easier for him to control her.

"Yeah, sure.." He was unsure how to respond to the odd names that Mama picked out.

They both noticed how she turned her head slightly around, curious about the technology and the decorations in the room which appeared to be glowing by the light from the screen.  
"Anyways Mother wants you to train with me and to get ready for your torture session later this evening. Don't want to be left behind!"  
He finished off cheerfully before leaving with Killuki.

"Alright Illu-nii." He muttered before the three-year old brought his attention back to the television before him. He would quit the assassin life once he was older, right now his family didn't take him seriously enough.

* * *

One time when she was with Illumi, he picked her up and had a small piece of something shiny in his hand. There was a quick flick of his hand and suddenly her brain was hurting she cried softly thinking it was nothing but a small injection shot.

"Tsk tsk." He said in a disappointed tone.  
"If this hurts you that badly then you are certainly weak and will need torture sessions sooner then expected!"

* * *

The butlers and maids spent the most time with her. Why were the family distancing themselves from her? Aren't family members supposed to bond?

One of her favourite butlers was a black blob with glasses named 'Gotoh'.

He treated her with care and gently carried her in his arms, even when he was briskly walking from one side of the estate to the other! He even had shiny coins.

When they set her down on the ground, they always put her on a blanket that they laid out for her and placed her on her stomach watching her wiggle, trying to move. But her muscles were undeveloped so it was hard and tiring.  
_Is this an exercise?_

Not being able to understand their language made her strain her ears, listening carefully to every word they said, hoping to decipher it.

The language they spoke reminded her of the Fire Nation's old tongue. Which she skimmed over in her old life. Some of these words her new family spoke made sense to her.

She could recognize a few words which brought her a sense of familiarity that at least she knew something useful. Slowly she would come to understand it.

But… Being isolated from everyone because of the language barrier between them and no one really playing or paying direct attention to her, while she also had trouble moving on her own made her lonely and gave her lots of time to think.

_What kind of family were these people? Hopefully they were caring, though the Avatar can withstand anything._

Her mind was her own safe place, imagining that the Avatar, her, was indestructible, fearless, and independent.

Her identity was made up of the Avatar, she didn't spend time thinking of herself, her own personality. Only things like 'What would the Avatar do?' She was not free, for she was not being herself, not being her own person. But Raava said to be herself, wasn't she always herself? Should she let go?  
Let go of what?  
She wasn't the Avatar here, Raava was just guiding her. But it was hard to let go. Living here, she had a chance to be herself. Be her true self.

She will accept her new life here.

Be herself..? Free herself..?

What were these new thoughts coming in. Wasn't she always herself, always free? Was this the truth Raava and her subconscious were telling her about?

Will she become a fully realized Avatar then?  
Was she lying to herself?

* * *

**A/N: The reason her name is Killuki is because the siblings seem to have a pattern in their name.**

**IlluMilluKilluAlluKalluto**  
**(Illumi, Milluki, Killua, Alluka, Kalluto)**  
**So with the added Killuki it is now: **

**IlluMilluKilluKilluAlluKalluto.**

**The next chapter she'll start thinking of Kikyo and everyone else as her new family and refer to them as mother, etc.**

**Anyways Reviews and Follows will be very much appreciated, it makes me really happy and excited to know you like this.**

**And to clear up the language thing. It's a headcanon of mine that there are old languages the nations used to speak and are from what the creators based the nations off of.**

**Water Tribe: Inuktitut**

**Air Nomads: Tibetan**

**Earth Kingdom: Chinese**

**Fire Nation: Japanese**


	3. Chapter 2: Changing And Acceptance

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, favs, and follows! It means a lot.**

* * *

_Waxing Moon: Symbolic of growth, manifestation, attainment_

* * *

A year and a half has passed by since then. And Kuan has experienced many things in that short period of time. It damaged her physically and mentally.

This family was exhausting. She wanted to escape, be free and solitary like the moon. No one would harm her, they'd notice her, but not pay any attention. She did not want this life.

_What would the Avatar do..?_

This family was the exact opposite of hers. The Zoldycks were killers and tortured their children, it was painful. They killed for money and worked their children to the bone. Why did they choose to live this lifestyle?

The Yin family, her home, oh how she missed that place. Were earthbender pacifists, who taught their children defence earthbending. They were part-time guards and the income was average. She and her brother were expected to become earthbending guards and take over for the parents so they could retire.

Though she and her family were pacifists, they did have one thing called the "Fear Test". Where Kuan and Yalou had to spend a week surviving on the plants and animals on the outskirts of the Foggy Swamp in the Earth Kingdom. It was said to be a spiritual place that digs into your heart to find your secrets and then tauntingly shows you the people you loved and the ones that are gone.

They lived there barefoot with nothing but the clothes on their back. Well at least now she knew how to survive by herself in a forest full of predators.

* * *

_"Kuan! Can you go hunting for animals while I get herbs?"_

_She looked over to her twin. Who was waiting for her answer._

_"What, is it because you don't like hurting animals?" She snickered when she noticed his face go red._

_"You're so soft, Yalou. Sure."_  
_She ventured through the swamp killing two possum chickens. One for each of them. She worked hard for them, it was tough climbing every tree that might have the stupid animal in it._

_When she was returning to their camp site, she tripped on a vine and the food landed at someone's feet. Slowly she raised her head off the ground trailing her eyes to the familiar face of her aunt. Frightened, she scrambled away and tripped backwards, accidentally shooting flames out of her foot towards her aunt and destroying the illusion._  
_What did she do? Did she just firebend? She's the Avatar? Why? She was special._

_She rushed towards the possum chickens, grabbed them and sprinted towards her brother. "Don't worry Yalou! I can cook tonight!" She hollered._

_Her brother was also amazed at what she could do, but didn't see how his eyes darkened in jealousy._

_The next day was spent moving somewhere else and they found a large cave._

_This must've been where the badgermoles lived. Their parents did tell them the objective was to find a badgermole to learn earthbending._  
_"I know how to make them come out." Yalou whispered to her before drumming his hands against the walls, creating rhythm._  
_That was how the badgermoles agreed to teach them._

_Over the week, Kuan and Yalou learned there was so much more to it. It was a way of seeing. They could sense the energy in the earth, everything was vibrating with life. They could bend rocks out of the ground and create pillars. They could function well with their eyes closed. It was a spectacular feeling._

* * *

How was she suppose to kill people when it's the opposite of her very being, her existence? The Avatar couldn't do this, but someone else could.  
They expected Killuki to kill. Killuki, not Kuan.

She could tell that her family was starting to pressure her more when they discovered how fast she could adapt and how quickly she did things babies should only do later on. But this was a prestigious family so little geniuses were expected.

Though this speed of learning was definitely not normal, even for them. She knew that she had to tone it down a little, but it was hard. She could tell that they wanted her to kill soon. This life was too much.

All Kuan wanted to do was to grow up quickly from the get go and leave.

* * *

When she was five weeks old she could rollover and talked in her native tongue, which they just waved it off as baby babbling.

"_Wow what a terrible dad he doesn't even spend time with his children._"

"_Where's my tall brother? Why is he always busy_?"

"_I am thirteen, I don't need to learn how to be potty trained._"

Of course Kikyo thought of that she was actually trying to communicate with them. Which caused her to excitedly yell for Silva to see that their daughter would be a great assassin. She was such a fast learner.

Deciding to humour his wife he watched his daughter glare at him with curiosity, while his wife cried tears of joy in the background and blew her nose.

He could tell that she was suspicious of him.  
When he stared back at her with his stony face he could see clearly into her eyes that she held hidden intelligence in them.

He softly patted her head as she rolled over to the side, after the stare down to see her mother who was creating noise in the background.

"She'll be a prodigy in the family. Bringing honour to the name Zoldyck."  
And with that he swiftly left leaving Kikyo to dress up Killuki in more outfits.

"How does this look Killuki? Oh look at this one too isn't it nice? This one I bought and added to it…"

* * *

After five months she could already crawl and say their names.

Kuan thought she did well for a foreigner. She was proud of herself that she could recognize what they were saying, though it did stun her at first.

She realized what this family was when Grandpa Zeno came in to talk to Silva while Kikyo was holding her.

She tried grabbing for Mother's earrings connected to the visor.

"As an assassin she'll do great."

_Assassin? _  
She wriggled in her mother's arms to get a better look at Zeno who was speaking.

"She's learning at a quick rate. Probably the first Zoldyck that could be able to surpass us all."  
Silva nodded his head and looked over at the person who they were talking about. "She could start training early if she keeps this up. Small amounts first that start to gradually grow bigger. She is still a baby, and you know how they are-"

"-Delicate." Kikyo finished him off. "Our little flower will blossom beautifully. She's at a delicate age right now."  
Kikyo patted her head softly. Kikyo treated Kuan like she was her most prized possession.

_You mean I'll be a killer?_

* * *

After learning she lived in a house full of assassins she would always wiggle in their grasp. Not wanting to be in the hands of a killer.

She was scared of her own family. She had to calm down and accept reality. Accept the people she lived with. The thought scared her but, she must adapt. There will be times when she has to kill humans, not animals. She still loved them, they gave her life. There had to be reasons on why they do this? Was it tradition?

She crawled across the hallway, away from the butlers who were staying behind but could still see her within their sights. She crawled behind Illumi who stopped mid-stride sensing her presence. This was new. She could crawl now.

Feeling his pants being tugged slightly he turned around and picked her up, holding her out while her green eyes stared into his brown ones. He tilted his head waiting for her do something.  
She saw how he was waiting before smiling brightly and laughed saying proudly.

"Illumi!"

He tensed but patted her cheek and ruffled her hair.

"You're growing quickly 'Luki."

Cradling her, he walked to where he knew mother would be, in Killuki's room decorating.

He knocked on the door, waiting. Hearing a faint 'Come in!' He pushed it open. Wanting to show her that Killuki was learning to speak. So far it only seemed she knew how to say his name. Her first word was his name. The thought brought warmth. What was this feeling?

"Mother, Killuki can say her first word."

In a flash Kikyo was in front of them and took Killuki out of his arms, waiting for her to say something. Seeing her wait patiently, Kuan ran over the words she knew in her head, remembering how to say…

"Mom!"  
_There!_

She knew it had to be that since Kikyo would repeat that word endlessly to her.

That was all it took before Kikyo was swinging her daughter around happily, to caught up in her emotions to notice Illumi staring at the girl in her arms while Kuan stared back and discreetly stuck her tongue out at him.

Showing him she knew more then she let on.

What a mistake that was, now Illumi would take any chance he could get to be with her, and learn just how intelligent this baby was.

Though with the increase of missions to hone his skills, there was a hardly any time for that. When he did she would always play with his short hair, tugging and running her fingers through it.

"Illumi." She paused in tugging his hair. She learned the special three words and would use it to get closer to his heart. To not get betrayed again. So killing her never crossed his mind like it did with Yalou. It was her own way to protect herself. But, she also felt like she failed with Yalou. Didn't give him enough compassion. Didn't show she loved him or cared for him. She would do better this time.

She looked into his eyes before closing them and smiling. It was like sunshine.

"I love you!"

He froze and the grip around her tightened.  
Well, he wasn't expecting those words to come out of her mouth.  
She felt him tighten his hold on her. Did she pronounce it wrong? But she was so sure she got it right.

Slowly, over time, he got more possessive over her. He thought she didn't even need the needle in her head.

* * *

The elders then decided it was time to train her. She was learning at a fast pace.

Illumi volunteered since Milluki was too young to do it yet.

Kuan felt him pick her up and carry her down a level of flights before stopping at the large door.

He pushed it open and set her down on a table, and took her out of the unnecessary dress so it was easier to get at her skin.  
He grabbed her arms and strapped her in so she wouldn't struggle and move so much. If she did during the process she could faint of blood loss. The movement would get the blood flowing faster.

What is he doing?

He grabbed a sharp knife with jagged edges.

He began by leaving small cuts all over her body. Only when she felt her body stinging did she understand what he was doing. Fear over took her system and she struggled to get out. Did she do something wrong? What family does this?  
He betrayed her trust. He betrayed her love. He betrayed her.  
She got a chance to briefly look into his eyes. Her eyes showing betrayal, fear and sadness. He noticed there was no actual hate and malice in those eyes of her.  
She thought she saw something flicker in those black eyes of his.

She needed to try harder.

* * *

When it was time to start eating solid foods, Kuan would pick at it and inspect it first, a habit she always had. She never ate other's cooking but her own and at restaurants or processed food. She was a picky eater.

Thank god she did check her food. Her mother put strange things in it. Was she trying to kill her?!

_Was this even edible?_

She gave some of her food secretly to Milluki who scarfed it down. It was a truce between them. She would not touch his stuff and he would give her medical supplies after training.

She started to recognize the word training and realized the torture they put her through was their definition of it. So they were trying to toughen her up? She was partly grateful for that. The other half questioning how they thought of training like that.

Her teeth started growing in around that time as well, but she'd just gnash her teeth around. She didn't want to bite anything her parents gave her for it. What if it was coated in poison? Just like the injections they gave her?

With teething starting, it meant she would have lots of saliva as well.  
She didn't enjoy the waterfall coming out of her mouth, it was disgusting. It made her look like an idiot even though it was normal. Being a baby sucked. But being in this family was worse. She could sense that they were already taking her childhood away from her. She couldn't act foolish.

Her hair was growing quickly. It already reached her ears in little soft spikes. Black downy hair.

Mother loved it and gave her special shampoo to take extra care of it better. She also liked to adorn Killuki's hair in bows.

A female butler would always wash her with the shampoo when it was bath time. Sometimes Kikyo did it saying she had her own special way of doing it. Though she was perfectly capable of it herself, it was alright to be lazy every once in a while. It still slightly embarrassed her, with people seeing her naked. Even though she was a baby, she was the type to be easily embarrassed.

When it was night time and she was in a pink onesie with bunny ears and polka dots, that, of course was picked out by Mother.

She would be placed in a crib, unfortunately she was more active at night and would escape. An adventurous little baby. Her legs were now strong enough to hold her up and she could now walk.

Crawling up the bars onto the handle, she would lift one leg over then the next and hop down. She stood on her tippy toes to reach the door handle before turning it and running to Illumi's room. Opening the door again and shutting it. She would sneak into his bed and cuddle him thinking he was still asleep. When she fell asleep beside him, he would turn around and wrap one arm around her before going to sleep as well.

It actually made him proud of himself on the inside knowing she voluntarily gave all her affection to him. He would harness whatever power she had and make it useful for this family.  
_Useful for him._

When she woke up she always found herself back in her own room.

* * *

After her family saw how rapidly she was growing, Milluki wanted her to stay away for his room where all his valuable items were. Fearing she would wreck them. She always seemed so interested in technology and would only let her play with some old crappy computer.

She only wanted to grow close to her brothers so they would love her and hopefully not think of killing her, ever. It was a safe way of surviving. It was her own way of protecting herself. She didn't really care about her love for them. But her fake love slowly turned real when she realized just how much she enjoyed being with them, acting like a regular family together.

She got used to the training and made a mental timetable of what she would get every second day. She got breaks in between to do her own thing. Though she usually spent it sleeping or reading.

Monday was when they would leave her body in cuts and make cacti stick to her skin. And make her spend nights in the cold.

Wednesday was when Milluki took over and would whip her or lightly burn her flesh. She could manipulate it lightly but not fully. So some of the flames would still touch her and give her a burning sensation.

And Fridays were when they would electrocute her and give her poison.

She thought of getting away from being watched so she could train and hopefully fully bend the fire over her skin, not touching, but still looks like it's burning. But she couldn't even earthbend yet. She didn't have enough time to try.

This may have been training to endure any pain but she wanted to get some physical training.

When they hurt her, she could see Milluki flinch slightly as she screamed and halt slightly before doing it again.

Illumi sometimes looked to be frowning down at her. He didn't know if it was at her or at what he was doing.

When Silva or Kikyo, her dad and mom, decided to help her with her training, they wouldn't even spare a glance at her. No sign of pity. No sign of them caring.

They didn't care

Just like back then, no cared about who she was, they cared about what she was. And in time she cared about what she was as well. They taught her that being the Avatar was something to be proud of, such a strong and important figure to the world. Nothing could hurt them. They were untouchable.  
Herself talking about how great and mighty she was helped her feel safe. She was strong. She could handle this. But she'll still love them, because they were family.

So why was she crying?

She wasn't the Avatar anymore, just a human with Raava's power. She could do whatever she desired. Change back to the Kuan she knew before.

She was slowly building up a resistance to the pain and poison, while also being able to heal up quickly. Her body became used to the torture so it learned to heal quickly.  
She lost her smile and talked less since then. She lost her happiness and became an obedient little doll. Kuan was not happy with this life of hers. But she will endure this, and leave this madhouse for her desire of travelling the world.

* * *

She was now two years old and she found out they didn't celebrate birthdays, didn't celebrate the gift of life.

Mother got herself pregnant and her tortures got worse. This time they also fought her, and teaching her moves like Shadow Step and Rhythm Echo.

Shadow Step was the hardest. She couldn't completely hide her presence. Raava couldn't mask her own power. She wasn't that fast yet either.

She didn't care much about those moves, though they were cool.

She was average in speaking their language. Almost fluent. But every time she got angry or embarrassed the words she said had some add accent to it. It was charming to hear. They didn't know it was her second language and thought it was just a cute quirk.

Milluki decided to become a technology expert, he rarely went outside. In that span of two years they formed somewhat of an agreement to each other that they would be neutral, peaceful, towards each other. No nasty comments towards each other. He even let her watch anime a couple of times with him.

She stayed in her room after the beatings and read, sucking in all the knowledge of this world she could get out of it. It was a kill or be killed world.  
Just to protect herself and survive here she should learn the illegal bending moves, it frightened her but it had to be done.

She was slowly becoming reclusive. Her mother still came in and dressed her up in kimonos with dark floral print or butterflies. And sometimes Victorian dresses that were all sorts of green to bring out her eyes.

* * *

_"Killuki look at this green kimono with white lilies."_

_Kuan was already undressing knowing that her mother wanted her to wear it. _  
_Kikyo was then putting her arms through the sleeves and tied the obi around her waist._

_"Oh you look darling in it! Now we're both wearing kimonos. Come hear and let me do your hair."_

_She walked over to the dresser with a built-in mirror, Kikyo with brush in hand, started to tame her long wild locks. Kuan cringed when Kikyo pulled on the knots in her hair._

_She twisted her hair around at the back forming it into a bun before putting long needles through it with decorative beads. _  
_Kikyo then swept her fingers over her bangs, parting them slightly._  
_"You'll make a beautiful bride. I don't even think we need to look for a female to carry the Zoldyck bloodline, especially if she can't live up to our standards. We have you. We can make it a pure bloodline."_

_She patted and straightened out the kimono._

_"I was lucky. I came from Meteor City. That place made me strong."_  
_She then left._

_That felt like the first time Kuan really bonded with her mother. One of her favourite moments. It felt human. Though, marrying her brothers? Kuan wasn't looking for a partner in life, she was independent._

* * *

They let her outside many times, she spent that precious time to become accustomed with the earth. She even ran barefoot, feeling the soil between her feet. Familiarity. Though she was scolded by her mother after, for dirtying her feet.

She ran away to pick up small rocks, to bring inside her room. Secretive training.

She laid the rocks around her in a circle. She closed her eyes and concentrated. Clearing her mind, remembering the training with the badgermoles. She stomped her feet on the ground, feeling the energy run through her with something new.  
What is this aura?

She slowly raised her arms around her as she stayed with her feet rooted to the ground in a strong stance. She felt the energy in the rocks move up in the air. Slowly opening her eyes she stared at the rocks floating mid air.  
She broke her concentration as she jumped up and down which caused the rocks to fall back. But when she felt the earth around her she felt metal in her head. The size of a pin. What was it doing there?

Once she mastered earthbending she would be sure to get it out.

She has had no contact with Raava since her birth. She had to rely on herself.

But her words echoed through her head.

"**_You can be whoever you want to be._**"

She no longer had to live under the pressure of holding up everyone's expectations of her. She didn't have to do crap. She could be herself. She could, no, will be free.

She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She fell onto the ground, splaying out her arms and legs and laughed. Laughed from relief. Laughed from happiness. Laughed from joy. All these positive emotions. A sense of euphoria. She would be the light in this dark family.

"Ah~ It feels good to be yourself."

* * *

Kikyo was six months into her pregnancy and that month Killuki was sent on her first mission, Illumi was there to supervise.

* * *

_Eleven year old Illumi stood on the roof top of a nearby building. Standing next to him was Killuki holding the picture of her first kill. _

_A fat bald man that was rich and surrounded himself with woman. A pig. It was better to start insulting the target and hating them in her mind, so killing them was easier. She also sometimes looked at a person and see what kind of animal they would be. She was good at killing animals._

_The man walked into the building they were standing on._

_"I'll wait for you here."_

_Kuan took that as the symbol to go and assassinate him._

_She looked at the air vent opening that many tall buildings had. It was a typical way of infiltrating but she never did go in an air vent before._

_Her body was shaking from the thrill of danger. She felt scared and excited. Excited by the danger, scared to take one's life. She found an empty room and kicked the vent. Dropping down she stomped her foot feeling the vibrations and aura of everyone in the building._

_While she was here in this world, she noticed people had weaker auras and other's were more noticeable. Like her family's, they had it coming out of their pores and could conceal it. Though it was concealed she could 'see' them, she could feel their life force and beating heart._

_She felt her target get off the elevator and go in the room below her. She shouldn't break the rule of killing someone for no real reason with bending. But that was then, this was now. She grit her teeth. She had to kill if she wanted to survive. This was her, the new her._

_She spread out her legs to the side at a ninety degrees angle, taking a strong stance and lifted her arms up before slamming them down almost touching the ground. Rock spikes formed and impaled the man. She cringed._

_She felt the guilt eat away at her when she heard the sickening crunch of his skull being impaled through his body. _  
_Did Raava want her to kill? Why was she born into a family like this? Was she supposed to have a reason to being born here besides having a second chance?_

_She crawled into the air vent, wanting to leave and wash herself. She took the same way she came and Illumi grabbed her, hurrying home. He felt the little surge of power coming from her and would discuss it with the higher-ups._

_"Good job 'Luki." _  
_That was the nickname he gave her._

_Yeah, good job for killing someone._

_No, no negative thoughts._

_She had to change if she wanted to survive in this madhouse._

_It was even May 7th, she would be turning sixteen today if she still existed in her old world. What a horrible present._

_That night she was left in the bath alone, crying and scratching her wrists till they bled._  
_She had to get out the stress somehow._

* * *

They noticed the change in atmosphere around her And immediately knew the cause of it. It was always hard for first timers.  
She was emotionally weak. She needed a talk.

When Silva summoned her and talked to his daughter about how she would do this for a living, and how they were surrounded in darkness. That she has darkness inside her, she gave the most preposterous answer that he ever heard.

"No, I'm not. I have light inside of me." Yes she would always have light, she would not be swayed by this family trying to destroy her mentally. No matter how taxing it was. She will not bow to their ways of living.

That was when he told Illumi to start the mental training. She was getting strange ideas in her head.  
Independent.

Illumi also told her who to be, what she should be. And she responded with, "Who are you to tell me who to be?"

_I am me. No one else. I am me. I am me. I am me._  
She was gaining her independence and wouldn't stop until she had it. She desperately wanted to be herself. Have a taste of freedom. Who she was currently was wrong. She was trapped in this house. She wanted to escape, but he wanted to protect the baby on the way.

She didn't sleep well after that. She either stayed up late practicing earthbending or having dreamless sleep and vivid nightmares.

_A moon illuminating a red sea._

_ Secluding itself from the terrors. Bodies floating up out of the water, blood. Moaning in pain. Then light flashed and she woke up in sweat and guilt._

She liked to think that it was Raava stopping the nightmares.  
She had a good talk with herself most nights. Sometimes she swore she could hear Raava in the distance. But not being herself made her feel safer, accepted one could say. She was contradicting herself.  
One minute she was being independent, the other she was following her parents orders, fearing how they would punish her if she struck out.

She had to know herself that she had to overcome her fears. Her fear would not get in the way of her desire. She had no one to help her but herself. No one knew of her secrets.

But she was a killer, this was not her purpose for existing here. She did not want to kill humans without good reason too.

_Then why was I born here? Why do I exist?_  
That was when she heard Raava interrupt her thoughts.

**_Your own being is not defined by me. Darkness and light cannot exist without the other. You will be the light in this family. They need you._**

_Raava..?_

**_Forge your own path. This world needs you most._**  
**_You may have past lives but you are your own person._**

_I can do whatever I want. I am free of titles. I want to exist here. I want to protect. I will be my own hero._

**_This world is dark and it needs you._**  
**_Be whoever you want to be. You have good judgement so I will follow you._**

She spent her time meditating after that gathering her spiritual power. Feeling it course through her being. It didn't feel the same as before though. It felt as if it was fluctuating, mingling with some other spiritual energy into one under the waxing moon.

_I am my own person._

* * *

**A/N: She'll have to grow up quickly if she wants to live in a world like this.**  
**She died and was born into this world on October 14, 1985 on a new moon.**

**In other news I have a lot of free time because my school is still cancelled because the teachers are still on strike.**

**Thank you for reading! It means a lot! I feel like I rushed this though.**  
**Especially the end. I just want her to find herself and grow. Go to the spirit world maybe. I'm also reading up on other character analyses to understand them more. Soon Killua will be born and she'll have something to protect and someone she can trust. I plan on her spending a lot of time with her future younger siblings. **

**What do you think of her personality? This story is for characterization and I'm loving every second of it.**


	4. Chapter 3: Reformation And Independence

_Full Moon: Symbolic of the height of power, peak of clarity, fullness and obtainment of desire._

* * *

After the long nights of mediation and talking to herself, she remembered the book that told her about nen and how to wield it. She realized nen was what she felt mixing with her own inner spirit to become something else.

That night under the full moon she was able to finally mix both spiritual energies and enter the spirit world.

She was free.

Opening her eyes in the change of atmosphere, she stood up and saw the bright, colourful world around her.  
It was strangely beautiful.  
She realized where she was the moment she saw a bird looking spirit in the distance.

"Am I finally here? …After so long."  
She felt her legs shake and grow weak before falling to her knees. This, this was like a dream come true! She was crying tears of joy and the sky brightened up above her. She trained so hard for this and now here it was.

"Are you really that happy to be here?" She looked behind her as the figure of the raspy voice came into view.  
"Let's go to my shop and have some tea."

Was this the man she read so much about? She mainly wanted to go to the Spirit World just to meet him! He had such great advice and always seemed calm and happy.  
"Mister Iroh?"

He laughed. "Am I really that well known? come along. We have lots to talk about." He led her by the hand to where other spirits were waiting, waiting for the tea party.

* * *

The family and butlers felt the wave of energy hit them like a slap to the face. Something was happening, who was the source?

Silva increased his En as Kikyo and her sons gathered around him, waiting to know who it was. It felt like nen but at the same time it didn't.

"Dear, who is it?"  
"Father, tell us."

He felt waves go out before it calmed down and soothed itself, receding into Kilkuki's room.

His cat like eyes snapped open. "Killuki." That was all it took before they ran off towards her room. Except for Milluki, he ran towards his room to look through his monitor. It was safer there.

* * *

"It's good that you realize what you must do to survive. Living here became hard for the spirits. Storms suddenly came and left like nothing happened."  
Iroh sipped his tea before stroking his beard.  
"The weather became unpredictable because of your inner turmoil. What you feel affects us."  
He stared into her eyes.  
"Take better care of yourself."

She sighed, she knew that. She was trying.  
"It's hard with the training they have. I have to learn quickly. I need to learn how to bloodbend, bending that can kill if I want to continue existing in this world." She sipped her own tea, calming herself.  
"Though I'll only use it in dire situations!" She added quickly.

"Everyone has to break the rules at some point. Many people would disagree with you. I disagree too, but some must do what they can if they want to get by." He stood up and grabbed her hand in his.  
"Time is up. You should go back now."

"Thank you, for understanding. I'll try to become a better person!"

She opened her eyes, still sitting criss-crossed as her family flung open the door.

"What were you doing just now Killuki?"

She looked at her dad, then back at her meditating position before looking back at him.  
"Meditating… I read it's a good way to activate nen. And I do want to become stronger."  
It was the truth, just not with all the details. But it seemed to be enough.

Silva stared at her before nodding. "Acceptable."  
Nen shouldn't feel like that though. It felt, distorted. He would have a talk with her later, and he would also invite Zeno.

He left with his wife saying she'll get the water and leaf.  
Illumi lingered by the door a little longer. Deciding to say a few choice words.  
"You should run away if the opponent is too strong." A way of protecting one's self. No matter how strong she got, if there was someone stronger than her, she should run.

He left her and closed the door after him. While she frowned. Only a coward would do that.  
"Then who will protect the weak?"

Her mother came back but didn't seem to hear the words she said. She'd have a meltdown if she heard it.  
This girl was saying all the taboo words and going against everything they taught her. Even after the long nights of torturing she wouldn't give in. She was unrelenting. They didn't even give her much targets after that. Which she was thankful for.

"Here Killuki, I want you to put your nen into this." Her mother placed a glass of water with a… leaf in the middle?

Nodding she sat down before the glass with mother's viser blinking, watching intently. She'd always wondered what her mom's eyes looked like. Snapping back to the task before her, she focused her hand on each side and felt the energy in it. Her face hardened and the water froze.

_I can bend water?_

She turned back to her mother waiting for her reaction, her own face must've looked surprised.

Her mother stood up and screeched, squealing while holding the cup.  
"Our daughter's a Specialist! How rare!"

After reading about nen, she kinda expected it. Knowing her circumstances and all.  
Her mother was a very active lady, even when she was pregnant with a baby.

It was late at night and everyone returned to bed. Though the next morning she was called down to her Father's room, where he and Zeno awaited her.

They sensed a bit of energy in her when she was born and when she was trained. But they always waved it off thinking that she was born with half awakened nen, that she would be a strong nen user. But feeling that surge of energy and knowing that she was a Specialist. They needed to know more about her. She couldn't let them know about Raava.

She nervously sat down on the lone chair in front of them while the dogs laid beside Silva.

"How long have you known about nen?"

"Well, Dad, I knew about it when I was two. I rarely practiced though and tonight I seemed to unlock it fully." It was true. She just merged cosmic energy with her own aura last night. It was finally one.

"Illumi reported on your first assassination that he felt a small surge of power come from you, explain that."  
This time it was Zeno who spoke.

"I think the pressure got to me and I leaked a little blood lust from all the pent up anger and that also caused me to almost release my nen."  
She was lying through her teeth now, but the beat of her heart didn't change, nor did her eyes. They held determination and annoyance at waking up in the morning.

That answer was very plausible. Silva nodded his head. "You're dismissed."  
And she rushed out towards the kitchen looking for something sweet to eat. She had quite the sweet tooth.

* * *

Weeks after that she could slowly feel others spiritual aura, or 'nen'. She realized it was different from her own, her's was a mix of Raava, her cosmic energy, and nen. Her family realized her nen was different as well, but said nothing of it. They probably wrote it off as some form of Specialist nen.

She questioned herself if she could bend the other elements. She may have half of Raava, but it fused with her own power, it reinforced itself. She was evolving her skills.

She could do earthbending at a average level after a few weeks of trying it.  
She knew how to do it from her past life. So it went faster than the original training.

Though firebending took a little longer. Now every time they trained her with fire to build up a high pain tolerance, she just bended it lightly to make it look as if it were burning. No one was the wiser to notice how the flames danced around her, never once touching her. If there was an easy way to not get hurt she would find it.

After physical torture, Illumi came in to give her mental training. He was actually helping her realize herself. So she always looked forward to it. Illumi was mystified at the end of it. She always smiled and said thank you to him. He couldn't remember the last time he received words of gratitude. It was… Nice.

They put her on a metal cage around fire once, for being unpredictable. Not being their little manipulative doll.

They wanted her to change into something she was not. She could feel their expectations for her. Wanting her to do her job and kill. She wanted to be herself, and she would be herself.

This must've been what iron felt like when it was hot, smouldering, people forming it into something else. She wanted to escape this cage. The pressure and expectations were too much. She knocked on the sides, slamming against it. Almost dislocating her shoulder. She slammed her bare foot on the ground.

She could feel the metal. She could change the metal. She would change it and herself. She could feel the minerals in it. Reform it.

She grabbed the door feeling it wrinkle up in her grasp and pulled it off its hinges. The heat burnt her hand but she didn't feel it. Too caught up on her own thoughts. The atmosphere around her felt dangerous. She heard Milluki come down with his thundering steps.

He saw the figure by the cage, and how her position looked feral, the fire dancing around her in rage, reacting to her emotions. She snapped her gaze towards him. And he felt the chill go down her spine at the furious look on her face.

It was amazing to see someone like him go up the stairs so quickly.

Left alone in the cold dark basement, she decided to take the needle out. She flowed her arms around her, feeling the needle shaking as it slowly slid out of her brain. She winced when it flung out and bounced across the floor.

* * *

Illumi's actions were strange after that.

"Luki want to play frisbee outside?"

Such as now.

She stared at her brother suspiciously, this was odd for her brother to ask. She watched as he came nearer, wearing a hoodie and frisbee in hand.

"Why?"

He ruffled her hair as she scowled at him for messing it up. Mom put a lot of hard work into braiding it and putting it into a bun. Now little wisps were sticking out.  
"Is it wrong for siblings to bond?"

Is Illumi okay?  
Lately after training sessions, Illumi had been treating her nicely.

"_You should reward yourself with ice cream after training so hard, here!_"

"_You've become used to the high levels of pain. You sure have come a long way._"

It didn't suit him. But she accepted his offers. She was taught to be polite and respectful of others. Also who would skip a chance to act like a child after so long? She could be herself, immature.

"Sure, why not." She shrugged nonchalantly, at least he was being a good older brother. And he gave the two-year old, (almost three) a piggy back ride outside.

"The baby is expected any day now Luki. Now you can be an older sibling too."

She nodded her head happily. She would protect them.

He walked a distance away from her for good throwing distance before he flung it with monstrous strength.  
Her eyes widened and narrowly dodged it.

"Wha-"

"This is also your training for today. Try to dodge as many as you can."

His words were followed by an onslaught of killer frisbees.

Realizing this was like airbending training she accepted it and moved through trying to be like a leaf, until one hit her elbow.  
And the rest followed suit.

Instantly she crumpled to the ground while whining and shaking her arm. Trying to shake the pain out.

Then a familiar scream rang out.

"Mom!" Was she being over dramatic again, or did something serious happen?

Illumi turned towards the house, a knowing glint in his eye.  
"Mom's giving birth."

She rushed inside leaving Illumi behind.

* * *

She waited outside with her siblings, while mom was inside with Silva and Zeno. The baby was born and the adults were called in. Did something go wrong? Was the baby okay? These thoughts circled her mind, she had to think positive.

Kuan decided to make conversation with her brothers while they waited outside.

"What do you think they look like?

Milluki huffed and crossed his arms.  
"I don't care what they look like. As long as they don't hurt Mama, then they're okay."

She blankly stared at him. An answer like that was to be expected. Either mom babied him when he was young, or he didn't get enough attention from her and craved it.

"What about you, Illu-nii?" She noticed how he slightly stiffened every time she said his name like that. It was rare for her to do so, so if she wanted something she would go cutesy on the person.

"One more person to protect. The eldest sibling will always be a shield to the younger ones."

That was when Silva called them in. One by one they came in. From youngest to oldest.

When Kuan managed to get a good look of the baby her breath hitched. This caught the attention of those around her. She saw how his bright blue eyes twinkled at her, and saw little wisps of white hair just starting to grow out.

His colour scheme reminded her of Raava. He started crying and mother went to bounce him and whispered soft words into his ear.

"What's his name?"

Kikyo looked over to her, while the newborn continued crying reaching out towards nothing.

"Killua. Want to hold him?"

She nodded and stepped towards the bed, reaching her arms out under Killua. Her mother let go and Kuan brought Killua close to her, who stopped crying, curiously staring at the newcomer who was holding him.

"Hi there. I'm Killuki, your older sister." She softly said to him. Her tone of voice was motherly.

Instantly he brightened up, smiling and laughing. Her gaze saddened, this family would ruin his innocence. She would protect him. She would teach them that there's a life besides darkness.

The Family noticed how Killuki started spending more time with Killua. Illumi would offer to take Killua from her and she would reject. It was bad for the baby. The family wasn't suppose to be so close to each other. If there was a situation where one has to be sacrificed, they should leave each other without a second thought. With emotional attachment, they could very well destroy themselves. Weak, in the world of assassins.

When she put Killua to bed and kissed him goodnight Illumi would go in and place a needle in his brain, while continuously saying he didn't deserve friends, manipulation at a young age. He did this to Killuki too, but it didn't affect her already well developed brain. She would block him out. She knew what she wanted. She never did notice the metal in his brain.

Repeating these words over and over every night while Killuki was unaware would change this child's thoughts.

Killua was already three weeks old and would grasp out, clinging to Killuki's hair every time she picked him up. She would just laugh and pat his cheek, him copying her and laughing as well. He was her sunshine in this gloomy family. She needed him.

When Kikyo wanted to spend time with Killua, Milluki would spend that time training her.

* * *

This time Milluki chained her up to the wall. He winced at it, remembering the time Illumi used it on him when he was younger. She waited for the pain to come.

This time it was electrical whips with sharp splayed ends.

She felt the electric shock hit her before the lash of the whip struck her and the spikes shredded her skin. She closed her eyes and grit her teeth. Tears slipping out as he hit her again and again.

After a few days of having that repeated she felt numb to it and just stared blankly at the ground.

Milluki, realizing that she got used to it unchained her and patted her head.  
"You're doing good."  
And he left her to bandage herself up.

She still loved them. They were just helping her become stronger.

* * *

"Oh Killua, your hair is getting out of hand again." Kuan said as she brushed his bushy hair down, it reminded her of her hair. He just babbled and grabbed her hand that was holding onto him and forcefully started teething on it.

She yanked her hand back, shaking it. He had strong gums and his teeth were growing in. Killua cried at the sudden action. Guilty, she gave him her hand again to shut him up. He started sucking in it again. Since his teeth started growing in Kikyo allowed for Killua to start eating solid foods, which she put small poisons in of course.

She spent the night with Killua as he was rolling over, his stomach in pain from the food. But he would get used to it in time. They both took a bath together. Kuan washed his hair and massaging his back lightly, then decided to try some waterbending.

She lifted up her arms and started circular motions and pulled small amounts of water out and over their heads before letting it go. Killua squealed as water suddenly hit their heads and she giggled before picking him up and drying him. She still wasn't that good at it, but she was trying.

He was slowly growing up. He was already two months old.

She carried him to his room and laid him in the crib, while he cried when the pains came back. Slowly her voice drifted out in her native tongue as she sang a lullaby to him.

"Take me to the moon  
Let me talk to the stars  
I want to travel there  
See what it's like on Mars.

Fill my head with songs  
And my heart full of love  
I need you by my side  
You are my peaceful dove."

It calmed him down and slowly fell asleep, but not before letting out a small 'Killuki'.

She smiled softly. It surprised her at first. It may be insignificant as well. But to her. When his first word was her name it meant everything to her. She bent down and kissed his head and headed out. It was time to do her own training.

_Did Illumi feel this way when I said his name as my first word as well..?_

She walked back to her room and put on weights that came from the butler training house. It was all so heavy. But she wanted to open the Testing Gate.

She would protect this family, no matter how dangerous they were.

She started off the night doing push ups and jumping jacks. Another thing she learned here is that they didn't speak much of Fire Nation's tongue here, so she didn't dabble in it too much. They spoke it sometimes though. Instead there was one whole universal language that everyone used, just like back in her world. So all in all she knew at least three and a half languages.

* * *

"You didn't sleep enough last night did you?"

She blinked slowly at Zeno, registering his words in her mind.  
Until her eyes widened, were the bags really that noticeable?

"Training." She replied, she shouldn't rely on bending all the time to help her.

"Have you decided what to do with your nen? Abilities special to you?"  
The family was curious to how her nen was coming along. Sometimes they could feel energy spike and then drop.

"Yeah, but it's a secret." It was hers and she would hide it from this family or else they could use her for negative things.

* * *

**A/N: I rewrote the Prologue and chapters, and added a few things in and took a few things out. I also kinda changed her personality a bit.**  
**What do you think about it?**

**I also decided for her to take Killua's place of Illumi's affections because**

**1. I really like Illumi so selfish reasons**  
**2. So Killua doesn't have to do with that**

**Please ask questions! I probably won't answer some of them, but it does help me shape the story!**

**Tell me what you think her personality traits are or what you think she looks like. (You don't have to if you don't want to) Hopefully I'll get a tablet for Christmas so I can draw her and use her for the cover image.**

**What do you want to happen?**


	5. Chapter 4: Contemplation And Incubation

_Waning Moon: Symbolic of letting go, surrender, release, quiet time, contemplation, and a time of incubation_.

* * *

She walked past Zeno to the fridge. She decided to make some soft breakfast for Killua after his stomach ache. If he got the breakfast mom made him it would undeniably give him a sore stomach and they'd have a repeat of last night. Puking and crying.

_Ew._

She got out some fruity yogurt and sniffed it to see if it was poisoned. It seemed safe. Shrugging, she put it in a bowl with a spoon and decorated it with blueberries as Zeno, Illumi, and Silva walked past her. Probably going to have a meeting, discuss family matters or a job.

She was getting used to the mansion. She wouldn't get lost so easily anymore. Kuan never really stayed in such a rich house before. Of course she was visited by noblemen in the Earth Kingdom, "_wanting to see the 'failed' Avatar._"

She knew what it felt like to be weak. Being frustrated with not having control. People telling her '_Try harder!_' When she was at her limit. _She knew._

Her birthday in this world was coming up pretty quickly. It was already October. She was going to be physically three this month. She knew she was acting mature for her age, but she couldn't help it. It was her mentality. This time she would spend her birthday with Killua.

Killua was already three months old, his hair was getting more wild as he grew. Definitely more wild than hers. She should act like a kid and just jump around screaming. The thought made her chuckle to herself. The butlers barely bothered her. They knew she could handle herself and left her alone.

She walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs that led to the floor that Killua's room should be on. His room was a painted a dark blue, with little designs adorning the walls.

She slipped into his room only to find he was already awake and was shaking some dinosaur figurine. She smiled at the sight.

Pulling a chair up close and setting the bowl on a small table, she stepped up on the chair to reach in and pick up Killua. She was always dragging the chair back and forth to either put him in or take him out, being small made everything so much harder to do.

He giggled when he saw her. She didn't know he would cry in night when Illumi visited him and gave him terrors.

He reached up and grabbed her hair as she winced but smiled. He would always cling to her. She was acting more motherly than their actual mother. Kuan was the good mom.

She sat in the chair and made him sit up straight so he could swallow the food easier.

Reaching over for the bowl and spoon feeding him, she then reached over and grabbed the towel hanging on the crib rail. He sometimes spat up when he ate, and she did not want that mess on her.

"Here comes the plane! Wheeeooo~!" She tried to imitate the noise of a plane and placed the spoon in his mouth once he opened it.

He kept on puckering his lips and gurgled on his spit like any baby would. He kept her from over thinking, kept her busy. He was unknowingly saving her from her train wreck of thoughts.

* * *

Zeno sighed as he sat on the purple leather couch, across from Silva as Illumi was sitting off to the sides.

"Even though she removed the first needle Illumi placed on her, it seems she hasn't noticed the second in her head. Nor Killua's."

"And she also won't tell us anything about her nen abilities." Silva crossed his legs.

Illumi nodded and spoke up as well. "Though, sometimes it doesn't even feel like nen, but something else entirely."

"As long as we have her under our control, we can sharpen her. Make her a great Zoldyck."

Zeno crossed his legs as well, a habit in the Zoldyck family.  
"She's awfully close to Killua. It's not good being attached to something, Killuki is making herself weak by doing this."

"Ah! But she's also acting rebellious and unpredictable nowadays. With Killua, we can use him against her to make sure Killuki doesn't act out. Hopefully Killua doesn't copy her. Though I made sure to repeat words to him, keep him wired to his profession at a young age. A necessary step."

"Good. Illumi. You can go now." Silva's cat-like eyes closed in thought as Illumi left without a word, leaving the two alone.

"As I was telling you yesterday…"

* * *

Killua and Kuan sneezed while she was bumping him up and down on her knee.  
"Someone must be talking about us Killua."

_Was that what the meeting was about? Them?_

He giggled and clapped his hands.  
"Killuki!"  
He started grasping on her dress repeating her name over and over.  
"Killuki. Killuki. Killuki."

"Yes, yes. I love you too, Killua."  
She kissed his cheek as he kept grabbing at her.

Illumi swung the door open, revealing the two. He heard Killua say her name, it seemed he was growing attached to her as well. But it was the wrong person. She would lead him astray.  
"Milluki is training you today. I'll take care of Killua."

She got up and passed Killua to him as Illumi ruffled her hair for listening. She grew annoyed at this.  
"Ay, don't touch the hair."

She knew it was useless to tell him that, because he would never listen to her.

* * *

This time it was a training game. Answer wrong or the time limit was up, she would be whipped. It was to help her think fast, that's what she thought once she heard the rules. To help her be decisive. She was already chained up to the wall, waiting for the first question from Milluki.

"When facing an opponent stronger than you, what do you do?"

"Sta-"  
_Run away._  
"-Run away."

"Good."

_What?_ But that was different from what she was trying to say. Why did she say that? That goes against everything she knew!

_**Slash!**_

The stinging on her cheek brought her back to reality. She didn't hear the question he asked her, lost in her own thoughts.

"Your time was up. Don't space out! Next question."

* * *

After that she returned to her room. She spent her time contemplating on herself and what she knew. She reacted oddly to the training.

She was letting Illumi teach Killua the negative things in life, while she would teach him the positive side. She was everyone's light.

She would leave once she was old enough, without a trace. Find a Guru to teach her the seven chakras.

But she had to stay to protect and serve them.

_No!_

What was with these thoughts. Was she getting confused about what to do with her life? Why was she thinking this. She knew who she wanted to be. What she wanted to be.

_Strong._

She'll have an unbendable spirit. She'll act like their little doll for now. Listening and abiding to them. Acting, that's all it was. She would endure and entertain their thoughts. Then save up and leave it behind. She had to let go of her attachment with them.

Fake love.

Act like she loves them. Act like she loves Killua so he doesn't feel alone.

But it felt like she was betraying him, no. Sometimes in situations like this, running away to survive was alright. Just to… just to live her own free life.

She needed tea. Maybe Iroh would enjoy her company. He was such a happy calming guy.

She sat cross legged on her bed and closed her eyes. She felt a sense of peace and calm, keeping her aura tame and instantly felt an out of body experience like the first time.

* * *

"Well here I am." She looked around at the setting. It was closer to Iroh's shop, that would make the walk easier. She would pay him a surprise visit.

On the way there she was stopped a few times with some spirits wanting to talk to her, it was unheard of, an Avatar living in a different human world. She was an exception.

She saw him sitting at an outside table drinking his tea and walked towards him. She did have a couple of questions to ask him.

"Iroh."

He subtly jumped before turning around and holding a hand to his heart before laughing.  
"Oh, Kuan! You surprised me."

He noticed the look in her eyes and calmed down and patted the chair next to him.  
"Come sit down, child. You look very troubled."

She took his invitation and sat down, clasping her hands in her lap. "I just, it's just… Lately I've been having these thoughts that are the opposite of my ideals. And, I don't know how to feel anymore. I haven't felt so conflicted before in my life. I want to stay for my younger sibling and if anymore are coming after him. But I want to leave my parents. I want to save people, not kill them. I want to feel attached, feel like people care. But I also want to be left alone and feel solitude. Never be close to anyone."

She took a deep breath, already feeling her eyes get super moist. Her life felt so heavy. Saying what was on her mind to someone she could trust made her feel… a little lighter.

He nodded his head and stroked his beard. "Not everyone has the answers. Just do what you feel is right. You can never be led astray, Kuan. Not with being who you are. But I sense aura, not yours, in your head. Controlling what you do." He handed her rose tea to drink to soothe her.

"While it's always best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. Instead of seeking to be strong, seek happiness and love. That is where you are most powerful. Don't follow your family's lead. They're crazy. Give yourself hope. You can do this. It's just another trail in life. You remind me of Zuko, always acting like you need to do things on your own without any help from others."

His words brought peace of mind to her. "I should just think about what I want and why, right?"

She wanted to teach her younger sibling there's more to life than killing. Make sure he will always have that light inside him while he's surrounded in the dark. Gain her family's trust to allow her out, see the world with her own eyes. Then leave, enjoy her own life. Not have it planned out for her, like when she was the Avatar..!  
_Seek freedom!_

He clapped his hands together, a proud look on his face.

"Exactly! Just remember, you are not alone. If you keep moving you will come to a better place. Though." He raised his hand up. "I have my own question for you."

She nodded her head to show she was listening and awaited his question. She had no burden. She could do whatever she wanted. They could not change her. Bend her to their will.

"Why go to me for advice when you have your past selves. Did they not have the answers you wanted to hear?" She grimaced. She hadn't been able to contact them. Does that mean she can't ever go into the Avatar State?  
"I haven't been able to contact them. Will I not be able to go into the Avatar State?"

He sipped his tea and shook his head.  
"No, if you are able to come here and be the bridge between the Spirit world and your new world… Then it's undeniable that you will be able to contact them. It could be the someone that's messing with your head."

She nodded and shook his hand thanking him. "Thank you Mister Iroh." And she vanished.

He sighed at where she once was sitting. "I have a feeling this will not be the last time I see you…" He peered over into her cup and gasped, offended.

"She didn't even finish her tea!"

* * *

Messing with her head? Who was it, is it another needle? Is that what they were used for? The only one who uses needles is Illumi… Did he really do it?

She slipped off her socks and flung them to the far side of her room. She hopped down from her bed and stomped her foot on the ground. She could see everything in the house, that was how far she could see. She could feel their own specific aura, allowing her to differentiate them. She could feel their hearts.

She focused on herself and could feel the metal in her head and the aura manifesting in it. Manifesting in her brain.

Like last time she steadied her hands close in front of her, before moving them out and stretching them. The needle did the same, slowly moving out from her brain. Her head started to bleed but she could no longer feel the intention to run away, the darkness.

Time passed when she was in the spirit world and it was already late into the evening. She should stop the bleeding.

With a destination in mind, Kuan walked towards one of the many bathrooms and opened up the medicine cabinet. Wrapping the bandages around her head (fumbling as she did so), she decided to fill the sink with water and practice waterbending.

Controlling her breathing she focused on the water, watching it make small waves and slightly stilling. She raised her arms up and down, the water slowly starting to copy her movements. Like a water wall. She then abruptly stopped her arms and closed her hands into fists.

Half of the water turned to ice and crumbled into the sink. Then letting go and opening her palms the ice turned back to water. She looked disappointedly into her reflection in the water. It still needed perfecting. She saw the skylight's reflection behind her showing a waning moon.

* * *

After that she spent most of her time reading books on the human anatomy and kept glasses of water in her room. Slowly she was becoming better.

She wanted to practice firebending too, so she'd just melt the ice with her fire.

* * *

A week passed by and it was her birthday, the day she was brought into this world.

She decided to sleep in that day, but her mom just had to barge in as usual with dozens of dresses for her to wear.

"Good morning, Killuki!" Kikyo laid out the dresses on her bed as she slowly got up and got the sleep out of her eyes. Knowing the procedure, Kuan got out and stood up straight with her hands up above her head.

Immediately Kikyo pulled off her nightgown, she was now just in her underwear waiting to be dressed up.

Her mother started to place dresses beside her looking between the two before throwing it back and getting a new one.

It went on for a while but Kikyo finally decided on a black and white dress, with green lining and frills.

She then started doing her hair, and put it up in its usual bun. Only when it was night did she let her hair down. Her bangs were always down in her face though and swept off to the side with a bobby pin.

"Come on dear Killuki-chan, breakfast is ready. I changed it up a bit today!"  
By 'change' Kuan thought she didn't put any poison in it.

_Really?_

Lead by her mother to where everyone else was, she sat in the empty chair by Illumi.

"G'morning Illu-nii." Even though she was speaking a new language she still managed to put her own slang and speaking mannerisms into their language. A habit.

They never bothered correcting her way of speaking or questioning where her slight accent came from.

He just nodded and patted her head while he ate the cooking with a straight face. She decided to dig into her plate as well but regretted it.

She tasted the disgusting flavour making her want to gag. She had to go through this. If everyone else could do this, then she could as well. She stopped breathing and swallowed the food and then took a breath and repeated it. Not breathing helped her not taste anything. She would survive this.

Breakfast was disgusting as usual as usual. But Zeno offered to play a card game with her after. Which made Kikyo upset. (She learned that her mother greatly disliked her grandfather) So they escaped from her anger.

He taught her all sorts of card games that she never heard of before. They were definitely different from the Earth Kingdom's card games. She recognized go fish though, and black jack.

"I see you removed the needles from your head."  
She looked at him in surprise, he knew? Did the family decide that they had to keep their children in control? She placed down a seven from her deck.

"Killua has one too… Just don't remove it. He must overcome it himself." Was it like a fear test? Family tradition? He placed down a queen, a eleven.

In that case she would allow it. She nodded. "Grandpa, I don't want to be an assassin. I was forced into this. I don't want to kill." She placed down a jack, ten.

He just placed down a nine . He was in a tight spot. "Whenever I go on assassinations, I make sure to never harm someone innocent or else I would call it off right away. No matter how much I was getting paid."

That brought her a little closer to him. She placed down a six. She frowned and shuffled up the cards. She lost that one.

He was just about to tell her how to play poker but Illumi intervened and told her she should be practising darts and whisked her away.

* * *

All she tried to do was hit the centre to practice her aim. She managed to get one in, the others were close to the middle as well. It seemed her training was paying off. Illumi joined in after and showed her how to perfect her aim.

He kneeled and went behind her, holding her hand, steadying her. He leaned his head on her shoulder to direct her and how she should hold it.

Her thoughts were more focused on him and how he was behind her, he could place another needle in her.

Her hand held the dart and he placed his hand on hers, copying his movement she flung it forward and it the bulls eye.

After that she went down to the basement for daily training with Milluki.

He strapped her down to a machine and raised the velocity of the electricity. It was higher than last time and she screamed at the searing hot pain. It went on for a couple of hours and she grew numb to it so he decided to raise it a bit, so she could get accustomed to this pain as well.

It was the early evening and Kuan's limbs were sore.

_Maybe I should go visit Killua? I did want to spend it with him._

Deciding to do that, she walked over to his room and opened the door gently. She then dragged the chair over again to get him out. He had breakfast earlier but wasn't reacting as badly as the first time.

He eyed her with his big blue eyes and instantly brightened up. He knew she was good. He was always wary of his other family members. She smiled softly as she clung to the railing and reached one hand in to softly play with his hair. He always liked that. He giggled and grabbed at her hand, trying to put it in his mouth.

She retracted her hand back slowly. Kuan did not want saliva on her hand today. She put both hands in and picked him up, stepping off the chair, she then placed him on the ground to watch him roll over and wiggle his way towards her.

"Killuki. Up." He was slowly learning more words.

She would read books to him to help Killua learn more vocabulary quickly. Learning what a pig was, he started calling Milluki that, which the latter hated him for.

She picked him up and gently bounced him up and down.

This was nice. Her happiness and love was right here.

She spent the rest of the day babying him.

* * *

It was the end of December and Illumi gave her a piggyback outside. Her attitude was becoming more predictable, she was also becoming more calm and wouldn't act out. The way she was now was fine. The acting was working in her favor.

Illumi lost her trust though. But she still had hope. He was still young, his brain was still growing. Maybe she had a chance to change him.

She liked to think they were close enough for her to change him. It seemed he was the actual dark one in the family.

He liked to follow the family rules. They both knew Killua or her were possible heirs to the family, but she didn't want it.

The needles were there to control them, make sure they would stay in line. If he controlled them, they would do what he wanted. He would play the heir from behind.  
That's what she thought.

She was facing all these problems only at the age of fifteen. She was just a child.

_Dark and Light cannot exist without one another. They needed each other equally._

Should she check Killua? Was Grandpa sugar coating Illumi's secret?

No, she'll let Killua figure it out for himself. She believed in him.

Illumi said they would play outside. They weren't done up in heavy winter clothes, but they still wore jackets. After spending nights in the cold for training they became used to it.

Killua was inside, hanging with the adults. He already was starting to walk after he managed to crawl.

Once he was able to move he was always on the go and sometimes escaped to find Killuki. He would do what she did with Illumi, but she never placed him back in his own bed. They would spend the nights sleeping with each other. Sometimes he'd run in crying.

She'd also carry him to Illumi's room when she thought he was asleep so they could all sleep together. She had to act like she still loved him.

Illumi set her down on the snow, she could hear the crunching under her boots as she walked away to make a snow angel, face first, so the angel would have her face.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Illumi making snowballs. Probably for training her, making sure she dodged well.

She stood straight ad spread her arms out, falling forward straight into the snow and started to wave her legs and feet quickly. Her face was starting to get cold, so cold it was starting to burn, so she got up carefully and standing back to look at the angel that had her face. She smirked, proud of her work.  
"I'm such an angel."

She turned her head around to Illumi.

But she was too slow, she saw the surprise attack. Dozens of snowballs were coming her way. It seemed everything happened in slow motion.

Her parents with Killua and Zeno just walked out while she was putting her hands towards her face for protection and closed her eyes.

She felt nothing and heard nothing. She slowly opened her eyes to witness the floating snowballs in the air.  
Did she do that? Snowbending? She could do that?

Her brother stopped throwing the snowballs and looked straight at her. Her family regarded her cooly. They found out her secret!

She gave a huge shrug and help up her hands. The snowballs falling into the snow.  
"Uhh, whoops..?"

She could tell they were waiting for a further explanation. "I decided to, uh, control elements with my nen."

"So that's your ability, interesting.." Zeno walked back inside with Silva. Her abilities were useful. It could help her become a great Zoldyck. Her mother stayed behind to question her some more.

"How many elements have you been able to control so far?"

Kuan scratched her head thinking there was earth, fire, and water. But she was still focusing on bending water and the sub elements with it.  
"I think two and a half, yeah?"

At her answer her mother started to be dramatic and yell "I'm so happy! Our daughter is growing up!" The loud commotion caused Killua to start crying and Kikyo clasped onto his arm tightly.

"Killua hush, if you're going to be an assassin you need to stop crying all the time!"

_She's being kind of a hypocrite.._

Kuan was surprised. She thought they would control her, harness her power. They were letting her have free range.

That was the end of December, they left her to her own devices. Probably wanting her to master her nen. She also occasionally went on assassinations but got used to it after a while. It stopped horrifying her. And that was the scariest thing.

Killua was growing up to be a pretty smart kid. They started to slowly stop seeing each other. Kuan was too busy learning about medicine, history, and animals. She wanted to learn.

_Knowledge is power._

Her mother also put another 'bun in the oven'. She would get close to them too. She and Killua would get close to the next sibling.

But… How much children did her parents want? Did they want an army of children?

* * *

**A/N: Her full name from her old world is Kuan Yin.  
And then her new name is Killuki Zoldyck.**

**She calls older people/people that she respects Mister and Misses.**

**I put this story up on my Quotev account as well.**


	6. Chapter 5: Shade And Love

_Yīn: 'feminine,' 'moon,' 'shade.'(in Chinese philosophy) the passive female principle of the universe, characterized as female and sustaining and associated with earth, dark, and cold._

* * *

Today was the day she was going on a mission with Illumi. The first time she had an assassination with someone else. But it brought her a sense of security, but she still didn't trust him. He was very protective and would go great lengths to protect the family. That was his good point and bad point.

Everything he did was to protect the Zoldycks. Not himself.

He decided to wear some weird looking dress, it seemed foreign. His fashion taste was very weird, she deducted. She promptly stated he needed longer hair to suit the dress. She decided to wear loose clothing, a t-shirt and shorts. Like what she usually wore for training so she wouldn't dirty the dresses.

This time they had to kill five people. Corrupted business men in their late forties.

Illumi gave her their pictures while they were in the taxi. She spread them out in her hands like cards.

Everything was so futuristic here, and people had such weird fashion and hair colours. Not at all like her homeland.

The men already looked to be balding. Their heads looked so shiny that she could probably fry an egg on it.

She decided to share her jokes with Illumi. It would probably look off if she was caught chuckling to herself without saying why. "Illu-nii. Their heads are so shiny that they're probably signalling for aliens."

He just gave her a small smile to show he was amused. That was all she needed.

Buildings past them by, the lights blurring with one another. The night life.

The driver suddenly stopped, they reached their destination. This was it.

She tucked her hair behind her ear in stress and irritation.

The Grand Budann Hotel stood before them in all its blue glory. Apparently their targets were staying here because of an overseas job.

When flying over the sea and cities, she'll never forget the view she saw down below.

Sun illuminating the clouds throughout the daytime, while everything looked so small and the mountains they passed over. The moon shining over the waves and cities all lit up, sparkling. Everything was sparkling in her vision.

She even broke out in her accent from her excitement and talked to Illumi animatedly the whole time. It was very endearing.

But now it was show time. Milluki did the research in what rooms they were staying in. They were all on the same floor, and their rooms were very close to one another. She looked up at Illumi who gave her the signal and they rushed in, Shadow Step.

They were all in one room. How foolish of them. Illumi opened the door and swiftly threw his needle at them while she impaled them with flying spikes out of the ground.

The bodies each fell with a collective 'thud'. She frowned, her instincts were telling her to flee, but the possible threats were dead..? Her ears perked up at the beeping, it seemed Illumi heard it as well.

_A bomb? Why did they place a bomb? Did they know they were being targeted? How much time was left before it exploded?_

She saw a flash, not a enough time then.

Fear overtook her, the second she saw the flash and heard sparks Kuan rushed to Illumi who was ready to flee as well. They jumped out of the window, breaking the glass and into the ocean. The Hotel was known for its great view of the sea.

She jumped out a little too late and felt the burning sensation that covered her back.

Her reactions were too slow, she didn't clear her thoughts to know she could've firebended the flames away.

She raised the water up towards her to soften her landing in the water. Illumi was already in, waiting for her. She felt the cool water bring relief to the burn before the saltiness flowed in and stung her wounds. She blacked out before even getting to the surface. The last thing she felt was a hand grabbing tightly onto hers.

Maybe even desperately?

* * *

She felt warm, yet cold at the same time.

She tried twitching her fingers in her right hand but it felt heavy, like something was keeping it in place. She inwardly grumbled, her hand fell asleep and was getting tingly. She hated that feeling.

Moving her heavy eyelids slowly, she blinked twice at the bright light above her. Everything looked blurry and unrecognizable, she didn't even move her head and kept staring at the ceiling.

Her first instinct at waking up in an unfamiliar place after an explosion was to speak her native tongue, but it came out raspy and didn't even make sense to her. She needed water.

Her ears perked up at the sound of light breathing. it wasn't her?

_..Who was it?_

She used her left hand, her free hand, to help steady her when she started sitting up. It was a slow and a little bit painful process. Her back only ached. She noticed the bandages around her torso, clean, they probably changed them every day.

Her back must've still been healing from the burns. She finally got a good look around the room, it was hers. She turned her head slowly to the right and saw tufts of white hair.

A gentle smile wove its way onto her face. She felt warm from his little acts of kindness towards her.

She fiddled her fingers with his and softly rubbed them. She then brought her left hand around and brushed his hair with her fingers.

He shifted in his sleep, mumbling a few incoherent words.

The camera in the corner of the room zoomed in on the two.

She was awake.

Footsteps could be heard, rushing in and the door slammed open.

The loud noise woke Killua, but the calming feeling of someone gently brushing his hair relaxed him.

Remembering where he was, he looked at the arm and trailed his eyes towards his sister's face. His bright blue eyes sparkles with happiness knowing she was awake, but he saw his sister looking somewhere else with wide eyes.

He trailed his gaze to their mother and he crawled onto the bed holding tightly to his sister.

Kuan stared at her mom, and then back down feeling Killua hug her side. She was weak.

"I'm so glad you're alright!"  
_Was she really that worried?_

Her mother's voice then changed to a calm tone.  
"Raise your head, you did nothing wrong."

Her mother came closer and sat on the bed next to her, braiding her hair.  
"Honestly, don't people know that assassins don't want information, they're just there to kill." Her mother 'tsked' at the thought.

She then grasped onto Kuan's shoulders tightly. "It even scarred your beautiful skin! You're going to have burn marks forever on your back!"

That… didn't sound pleasant.  
"How… how long was I out."  
God, her voice sounded unpleasant.

Killua poked her and pointed to the cup on the nightstand beside her bed. She took it and quietly thanked him.  
She guzzled it down, her throat didn't feel dry anymore.

"A month and a half."

She started coughing. She missed Killua's birthday!

"You will need more training if you passed out that easily and that long."

Kikyo then got up and grabbed clean bandages from the other side of the room and walked back to Kuan and Killua.

"Let me change your bandages."

Killua backed up to give them some space while he watched his mother take off his sister's shirt and undo the bandages. He got a good view of her scars that day, the memory imprinted in his mind. Then they got covered up.

"Where's Illu-nii?"

_Was he okay?_

"He's torturing himself for not being able to protect you."  
That got her to step out of bed and pull on her shorts before rushing out of the room, leaving her mom yelling after her and Killua reaching for her.

Her footsteps thudded down the stairs, past her father, towards the chambers. Her brother just stepped out of the room. He was just a thirteen year old boy.

Alerted by the loud steps, his eyes widened slightly when he saw her running towards him. She jumped onto his legs, making him take a step back, before he pushed her away so he could bend down on his knees to face her.

"I'm sorry I fai-"

She slapped him. Looking sternly into his eyes, he saw her burning gaze, her glaring pierced him. It was smouldering with unhidden anger. Her eyes slowly glistening, ready with tears waiting fall. He would never forget her fierce gaze.

"Don't pain yourself because of my weakness." Her voice was cold and steady, forcing him to listen. Her accent hardly showing itself.

"I'm okay now."

And then she patted his cheeks before briskly walking off. She was embarrassed of saying mushy crap like that. It was not her style. She doubted he deserved her forgiveness and love, even though it was fake. Though she did have a gentle spirit and was gullible. She pitied the less fortunate.

She should make something, she knew how to cook. She'd ask Goto, Killua's-now-personal butler to help her.

She'd make chocolate truffles. She knew how to make those. A delicacy in the Yin family, their own secret recipe.

* * *

It was already late into the evening.

Goto placed a chair by the stove for her to step on and placed the necessary ingredients and tools on the counter beside the stove. She put the stove on medium heat and put a medium sauce pan over it, waiting for it to warm up.

Once it was warm enough, one can of sweetened condensed milk was poured into it and then she put one tablespoon of butter in it as well.

Watching the butter melt down and mix with the warm milk, she then put three tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa in it.

Goto supervised from behind. He didn't really know what she was making. She was stirring the sauce, until thickened for ten minutes. She would take breaks from stirring time to time. Or else it would take longer to thicken.

Turning off the stove, she got the cupcake tray ready and put the liners in. She removed the saucepan from the heat

She was waiting for it to cool before rolling it up into chocolate balls and rolling it around in sprinkles. She placed them each in the tray holder and handed them to Goto to put it in the fridge. Though she took one, to give to Illumi.

She dropped by his room and picked the lock before going in and leaving a note next to the sweet.

He usually comes into the room during this time.

She quickly left and shut the door behind her. She walked away, only to see her mom standing before her.

"KILLUKI! How dare you leave like that! You still need rest to heal up!" Her mother was getting all worked up again and she was pregnant! Not a good mix. Killuki tried to calm her down, but her mom kept going on and on until the baby kicked. That silenced both of them.

"Can I, can I feel it?"  
Kuan never put her ear against a mother's stomach before, but after seeing her mom nod, now she could.  
She felt the baby kick and stood back.  
"It's due any day now right?"

* * *

Kuan rustled around in her bed, trying to get comfortable. Her mom's screams hurt her ears. She just had to give birth at night.

Killua decided to run into her room as well and jumped right on top of her. He was scared.

"Ouf!"  
Well, Killua sure could elbow someone in the stomach. He wiggled under the covers, stretching his arms around her neck.

"Can't sleep. I'm scared. Too loud."  
She patted his head with one hand while the other rubbed her stomach.

"Hey Killua, did you ever had chocolate before?"  
When he shook his head no, she dragged him out and into the kitchen. Hopefully the chocolate will soothe him.

She opened the fridge and took the tray out.  
"I made these in the evening, try one."

He tentatively reached out and grabbed one before taking a slow bite out of it and feeling it melt against his tongue. The sweetness hit him and he brightened up, like it was the most amazing thing in the world.

"Delicious!"  
She saw he was getting jumpy.  
Was he… Was he getting a sugar rush already? Her plan of soothing him failed.  
She put the tray back, away from Killua's grabby hands. She put her finger to her lips.

"It's my own secret recipe. You can't have anymore tonight." And she winked while he pouted at her, disappointed.  
"No fair Killu-nee."

She straightened up and patted his back, leading him back to bed.  
"Yeah, yeah. Let's sleep now. We can meet the newest addition to our family tomorrow."

* * *

And so they did.

Another younger brother named Alluka. When they met Alluka, he was using her old crib and seemed comfortable using it. Killua was excited to meet him.

Now, Kuan felt something… off about this child, but decided to ignore it. He _was_ still a baby. Not dangerous yet.

It seemed the higher-ups felt something off about him too, she noticed how they spent less time with him then they did with the rest of the children. Though her nen felt different as well they didn't avoid her. What was wrong?

She would save him too.

They needed love, but her love to them was fake. While Killua's love for her was real. Her plan was working, now maybe they won't betray her like Yalou did.

This family's love was wrong, more wrong than hers. It was obsessive and twisted.

When she read about Avatar Aang's story, and about Zuko's family, she noticed some similarities.

The adults were a lost cause. But she had hope for the children.

She thought this family was turning her light into a shade. But she would save herself.  
Since no one could do it for her.

* * *

_She was still tired because he bounced on top of her that morning telling her to get up, she did slowly, and he grabbed her hand instantly while she lead him to the baby._

_When they entered the room, Killua let go and ran towards the crib, she went and got a step stool for them._

_She got on and reached in for the sleeping Alluka and showed him to Killua, who touched the baby tentatively._

_The air started to smell and instantly she knew the cause. She told Killua to wait outside and that they'd all have a bath together later._

_Killua liked bathing with her, she was gentle and soft with him._

_When she stepped out of the room, she was carrying the newborn and he grabbed onto her hand. It seemed he was being clingy to her._

_She walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind them. She poured in warm water, a temperature just right for sensitive skin, Killua was already stripping while Kuan was undressing Alluka._

_She then grabbed Killua and placed him in the bath. She went back to Alluka and grabbed a warm wet cloth._

_Killua pouted that she was paying more attention to Alluka than him._  
_"Is Alluka not gonna bathe?"_

_She wiped Alluka's body with the cloth._  
_"A newborn's body is very sensitive, so instead you wipe them down with a wet towel instead."_

_He sunk lower into the acrylic tub, blowing out air with his mouth in the water, creating bubbles. He was waiting for her_

_She wrapped Alluka in a dry towel, leaving him by a vent blowing warm air. That should leave him comfortable._

_She then undressed and clambered in the bathtub, her burns were clearly visible. He didn't say anything_

_Killua's hair was already wet as she gathered shampoo and massaged his scalp. He leaned against her and sighed in comfort._

_She relaxed him._

* * *

She put Alluka back in the crib after that and spent the rest of the day with Killua playing with the toys in her room while she read and snacking on her chocolate.

She quite liked her room. It was decorated with 'butterfly' like things in the room. She never heard of just a butterfly before. She was used to butterwasps, butterlions, or even buttermoths!

Though, these creatures sure didn't look dangerous, just… Beautiful.

That night she slept alone and her face darkened. She knew what day it was for Killua tomorrow. And it actually hurt her to think about it.

She wasn't supposed to get attached.

* * *

**A/N: I have to admit, this chapter is pretty short.**


	7. Chapter 6: The Travel

_Kuan Yin: Chinese goddess of purity, grace, kindness, selflessness and benevolence. She is believed to be a matron of childbirth, and is called upon for aid in conception as well as healing. She also protects transitioning souls and travellers._

* * *

She didn't bother coming out of her room until the afternoon to snack on something. It was more or less chocolate bars, she loved sweet things. Her guilt was eating away at her. She knew what was happening to him currently, but she was powerless to do anything. Her family was quicker and stronger than her; she couldn't do anything against them. Snacking on a chocolate bar halfway in her mouth; she nonchalantly walked to Alluka's room. She needed something to distract her.

With the lack of interaction Alluka was getting, he would surely grow to be a slow learner. She would help him. Helping others also helped her. No one knew of the Avatar here, the Avatar didn't exist. But she would still help people. She spent the rest of the day babying Alluka late into the evening. Sometimes Alluka would get tired and take short naps.

During that time, Kuan wrote down notes about bending and other things from her old world in her first language. That way, no one would know her secrets, but she was also afraid she would forget. Forget her ways and become corrupted.

She was in the middle of sitting on the floor, tickling Alluka's stomach with a bored face when Killua burst into her room with tears streaming down his face. He ran to her side and nearly toppled her over with his weight. He clung to her kimono, grasping at the fabric and hiccupping while crying. He was a mess.

She shuffled Alluka to the side and pulled Killua into her lap. She played with his hair, something she learned that calmed him down in any situation. She snaked her arm around him, pulling him closer and kissed his head. His breathing evened out and she noticed the blood on his shirt and the cuts on his legs.

She slowly pulled her legs out from under him and plucked his fingers off her dress. Dodging his reaching hands, she left the room to get bandages. She knew he needed her right now and couldn't stay away from him long or else he would think she thought of him as a nuisance. His mental state was fragile.

She returned and found him holding onto a sleeping Alluka. His gaze turned towards her and watched her like a hawk. Not wanting her to leave him again. She inwardly sighed.

"Don't leave me..." He managed to whimper those words out and it stung her. She had to do it eventually. If Ming was here she would probably slapped her silly for running away from her problems and leaving behind people who care for her. She got down beside him and sang her lullaby to him while she bandaged his legs with gentle care. He got no answer or promise from her.

_Don't make promises you can't keep._

It was working. It was like a hypnotizing spell that put him to sleep. This was the song she would sing to him as a baby. He was already slowly falling asleep and nodded off. She took this chance to carry him to bed. Though she was tiny and very young, she could carry heavy things twice her weight and maybe even more. It was all thanks to her training. After that she also took Alluka back to his crib and went to bed herself.

This family was wearing her out. Her patience was running thin. She doubted she could stay long enough before turning tail and leaving like a mutt.

* * *

The next day she woke up early and did a few stretches that morning before she picked out her attire for the day. Dark shorts with a long sleeve turtleneck under a t-shirt. Clothes she could easily move around in. Her hair was up on its usual bun. Though she couldn't stop his torture, she could join him and take half of it. Showing she would share his pain. That he was _not_ alone.

She speed walked down to the dungeon. Today was also training day for her, she had to start as soon as possible once she was fully healed to make up for lost days. And they saw how rejuvenated she was.

Milluki was already waiting for her with a normal whip this time. He started out slow, but soon the strikes came out faster and stronger.

Start small like before and then go big.

Killua came in halfway through her training and was shocked to see her like that. He changed his posture and started off towards her; of course Illumi picked him up and strapped him down as well. He got the knife and started to leave small cuts on him.

They were both screaming in pain. And it continued almost every day.

A couple of weeks past and since then Killua had been needier. He would hold her hand more tightly and glare at Milluki. With Illumi he would press into her side, not wanting to be seen. She could feel his short breaths going through the fabric of her clothes. She was his emotional support, though he had to break out of it one way or another.

Alluka would get needy as well and would giggle at Kuan every time she played with him. Kuan was the true caretaker, the most willing to take care of Alluka. Though she did manage to 'befriend' (Her family made it very clear friends were against the rules) one of the maids, well this maid was just more loyal to her.

Yukiko.

The time they shared was rare, but when they did have time it was well spent. Yukiko would offer to take care of Alluka when Kuan was busy, or 'out of it' as the maid would describe. It was a nice change of pace. Something she needed, but with Killua it was starting to get tiring. He was getting too close to her liking. She needed a break. But she had to wait for an opening, until she had enough trust. It was like neutral jing; waiting and listening.

The higher ups also noticed Killua's behaviour and gave Kuan a month long assassination. The target lived somewhere in Yorknew and she had to travel by foot. They were testing her, but it was also part of training. They knew the assassination wouldn't actually take a month's time, so they let her have a 'mini vacation'. She's been to Yorknew many times before with family members to kill, though they would travel with private airships.

* * *

It was early morning, she clipped on a tiny camera so that her family would be watching her every move. They still didn't trust her to be on her own without someone. _Figures._

She have orders to Yukiko to take care of Alluka and Killua while she was gone, though not all the time or else they could possibly get clingy to her as well.

She was decked out in her clean casual clothes, her mother washed out the blood. For breakfast all she ate was some cereal and she was out, like they couldn't wait for her to leave.

Trekking down the mountain was not her favourite thing. She had to pass the monstrous family 'dogs' as they peered at her. She was afraid of dogs no matter the size or breed. In her past life she was almost mauled by a Wolf foxes. Not happy memories.

Walking down nearly took up the whole day and from what she could the camera wasn't on yet because she was still in home territory. When she finally reached the gates, it was already late evening. She could use metalbending… But she hasn't fully mastered it yet. Give or take a few months and she could probably focus her aura/chi and fling four or five of the doors open. Of course that was all lies. Maybe only two, barely three doors could be opened within that time.

She used her physical strength and could only open the first door for a short amount of time and quickly slipped through. "Goodbye Killuki-sama! Have a safe trip!"

It was practically night, how would it be safe? Her fourth birthday was coming up as well. It would probably look odd to outsiders that a kid was travelling by herself. _Oh well._

She waved to Zebro in response and started the long walk towards the nearby city. She and her family didn't bother telling Killua that she was going, or where she was going for that matter. He would probably start a tantrum if he did find out. He had to learn to let go. Let go of her because she would leave one day. "See ya', Kukuroo Mountain."

Now she just had to go down and into the city, just miles away. She could just move the earth under her feet but she wanted to keep her bending subtle from her family. Of course that restricted her bending training; she was at the level of a trainee right now.

_Well nothing is really that easy._

On the way down she saw the tour bus full of tourists go up to the testing gate, or as they call it 'The Door to Hades.' _So they do night tours as well. Maybe at night they make things scarier like other tourist places.  
_Though how could it get any scarier?

She then started sprinting, letting her legs get loose and see how long she could last. Kuan loved to run and feel the air moving her hair. It felt refreshing.

Back in the four nations she spent four years travelling almost everywhere. When she was with the air benders they would let her ride on their air glider with them. They didn't let her wear the winged suits. Jinpa was one of the airbenders that was closest to her. They treated her with hospitality and tried helping her with air bending. When she couldn't, they tried helping her spiritually. They made her love the wind breezing past her. Now those were good memories.

She knew with learning the four elements she had to go through the cycle, earth, fire, air, and then water. She kind of stopped her water bending training. She would pick back up again after she learned air bending. Air was the opposite of her element, so it was expected that it would be harder. She actually still couldn't air bend.

Time seemed to past and it was already one in the morning. Her stomach was grumbling quite loudly. She considered punching her own gut to get to shut up. Instead she settled for patting and rubbing it, soothing the pain away. She stopped running after half an hour and she was just starting to see the city in the Republic of Padokea.

Maybe it was more futuristic than Republic city. Kuan went there once on a sky bison.  
Oh, it was so amazing! The scenery was beautiful there, the whole city was almost completely covered in vines and it gave her a sense of adventure. It gave her the feel that she was travelling through an old deserted town that had many ancient relics. A long lost city one could say. Sadly she had to return to her home city, Omashu.

Omashu was beautiful was well. It was turning into a well-known city and expanding. She loved to hear about the stories on how it was created. It was a beautiful love story between Oma and Shu; the two very first earth benders. She and her brother also loved to race each other in the shipping carts, when they had spare time of course. That was back when she didn't know about her future.

She could really have her animal companion here with her right now; Phera. An Eel hound; they were easy to maintain and train. Eel hounds were also great on all sorts of terrain, nothing could really sway them. They could easily overcome obstacles; something she wishes she could do too. At that moment her stomach started to get cramps, causing her to break out of her thoughts and memories. She decided to voice her thoughts in her current predicament.

"Ugh, so hungry, I need food." Oh spirits how Kuan needed food. She could catch a ride on the next tour bus that would come down.

.

…

She should've done that in the first place.

_Oops..._

She decided to catch a wink of sleep and catch a ride on the tour is tomorrow. Sleep _is_ very important, and to ignore her stomach. Climbing up a tree, she rested on a high but sturdy tree branch. Getting comfortable and wiggling around to be secure on the tree branch she fell into dreamless sleep.

* * *

Just reaching the city on the tour bus, she hopped off and ran to the nearest hot dog stand. It already nine or something and the tour lady were giving her a hard time about sleeping in the forest especially at being such a young age. She did not have time for that.

She held up two fingers. "Two hot dogs with onions, ketchup, relish, and mustard please." She managed to get out all in one breath. She was starving. Her stomach was finally getting what it deserved.

The older man laughed and happily went to work on her order. "Hungry one aren't ya'? That'll be seven jennies, lil lady."

He was the definition of a jolly fat man. He wasn't even questioning her age; _that_ was amusing to her. She pulled out her hand wallet; the currency here was different as well. She handed him the money and grabbed the hot dogs before going on her merry way. His speaking mannerisms reminded her of Ming. Ming Li was known to not be a super dignified girl in the Fire Nation

She turned a corner heading to the coast where the docks would be. The camera was on and blinking. They were watching.

Just about to take a bite out of her second hot dog she saw a homeless woman with dirty blond hair; covered in dirt and soot. Though she killed people and could never truly forgive herself, doing small helpful deeds could wash away the sands of time and make her feel better, slowly.

"Here miss. Have a nice lunch."  
She knew her parents would disapprove of such actions. She didn't want their approval. She would be who she wanted to be. Her true mother taught her to buy homeless people food and not money because they could go spend it on alcohol and drugs.

A raspy sound came out of her then words followed after. "Bless you child… May peace follow you."

She slightly went still. That was odd wording. She decided to walk away from the woman.

She was almost out of earshot when she heard "Oh onions! I love onions!"  
Well, they both had something in common. Of course Ming made her realize onions were great for bring out flavour in food.

After a few minutes of looking through the windows at shops and mindlessly walking around she decided to stop and ask directions. She hated to admit it, but she was lost. Window shopping distracted her. Some of the adults asked where her parents where and she just walked away. She was not a little kid, technically she was, but that didn't matter.

"Just take a right and straight ahead." A man in a tux and curled moustache told her. Did the moustache cover his mouth or did it not exist? He had the nicest shade of light purple hair.

"Thanks." She finally got an answer without asking about her age or where her parents were. She decided to follow his directions and head what she instantly thought was a right.

"You're going left."

"Oh." She was forgetting her directions. She learned something new about herself everyday it seemed.

She sniffed the air and caught the whiff of salty sea air. _Thank you, fancy man_. She followed the scent for several minutes and heard boats blowing their horns. She ran towards the sound and locked at all the ships at the port before her. She needed to know which one was heading for the coast that was close to Yorknew. She would be a stowaway. She knew her family was filthy rich from blood money, but she still had her trait of conserving money. She would not spend it willy-nilly all in one go, but how to get the information..? _Who to ask?_

Her brother, that's who, she pressed the button on her earpiece and instantly she heard her brother's voice.

"What?" It sounded like he was munching on chips.

"Millu-nii, which ship is heading to Yorknew?" Hopefully it hasn't left yet, it was still afternoon.

"The big blue one with wood railings, and fancy gold insignias. Also while you're in Yorknew, get me the limited edition of Puma Pema." And the machine turned off. That was all she needed, except the latter. That was really unnecessary. She looked around the docks for the boat and hid from people that were walking near her.

When her eyes landed on the prize, her green eyes widened.

_It's beautiful._

She saw the name of it as well, "Star Light."  
It was indeed fancy. But it also meant it was high class. _Damn._

"Monkey feathers." All she needed to do now was somehow get onboard without being noticed and hide in the cargo hold.

* * *

**A/N: So, school has finally started for me.**

**And I started re watching atla and lok for phrases, sayings, and extra info.**

**I realized that they all wrote messages in Chinese so I suspect they would speak Chinese.**

**So Kuan only knows 2 and a half languages. I'm too lazy to go back and change it now though lmao**

**I want to do something that shows Kuan Yin's past in her original world, but I don't know whether or not to make an arc of it (like she tells night time stories to her little brothers about the past avatars and then herself) or show little parts of it before every chapter.  
Help me decide?**

**Also I might hold off on this for a while to since season 3 of LOK is coming out Oct. 3 and I don't want to miss out on information and be up to date with how Korra's generation is changing.**


	8. Author's Note

**I'm rewriting the story and changing the story with her personality. I feel like my writing style has changed a bit too. Sorry to be late with the information. **

**But I'm also writing another story of Kuan's earlier life, and I might post that when I finish rewriting this story.**

**Thank you for staying for the ride.**


End file.
